Writing Through My Worst Fear

I have mixed emotions about fear.  Of course fear at times seems like a fight against mixed emotions.  Often when I feel apprehensive about the future, wondering if I’ll fall on my face, thirty seconds seeming worse than the thought of my own death, that’s precisely the point I hit when my emotions flood.  I’ll try my best to explain…

Future projections of my imagination are fused with remembrances. Almost seemless among the failures and triumphs of my past—it can be a bit overwhelming and sad.  Takes a few moments to regain composure from an anxiety attack; back then recovery could take a few days.  Sometimes the attacks altered the mundane things I do in daily life. I felt like I could not be myself.

It can seem like readjusting to normalcy from a bout with near-death shock, racing thoughts crash and you feel helpless. “Content” to stay at home. I’ve been down that road many times and don’t want to go back to that part of my sleepwalking mental landscape.

Writing certainly helps to put into perspective those former sensations of uncontrolled thought and irrational doom scenarios. It helps to get it all out, prompting catharsis.  As a writer, I think of this part of my life as the ugly side of imagination.

Indeed, I owe a great deal to the art of writing—it helped me overcome the panic attacks, as well as six long months of agoraphobia and depression that I have been battling since I turned thirteen.dustus2 Through writing I’ve been able to take an honest look at who I am and transform my insecurities into words.

Depression
Years felt like wilting
Into the riverbed I made
As if dirt covered
Left for dead
Each day passed
I’d hang my head

Just want to be free
Banish dreadful thought
Could not seem to seize
Tender moments
Beauty only left her sighs
Utterly alone
Trouble breathing
Then feelings numb

I write through points of pain and recall former shame, feelings of self-doubt, blame.  The poetry within me will surface, profuse torrent-like tidal waves/internal screams and shouts/carried away/my heart does say/always stay/spirit within me/a sense of loving/ Bitter-sweet/Doom & Bloom/ The times when I’m fearful/Writing does give me/Stern talking to/The more I understand/Getting over you/Fear

Anxiety
You once beat me
Into oblivion
Was hardly even
Living then

2 Responses to “Writing Through My Worst Fear”

  1. I suspect writing is therapy for many of us, Adam. I think that metaphor is apt, that our art is like the grit in the oyster that it mulls over and over, and that torments it … until it produces a pearl.

    • “…like the grit in the oyster that it mulls over and over, and that torments it … until it produces a pearl.” Very well said.
      Thank you for your comment, Zinta.

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